Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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