you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
