Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
