The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
