i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
