Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
