FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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