if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
