Moan for me like Helen Keller
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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