Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
