I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
