I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i dont even know how to be here
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
