OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Too much gin, very little bucket
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
