Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
