eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
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