I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
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