Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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