My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Randomize
