john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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