Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
