thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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