I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
