What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Never underestimate the power of titties
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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