Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
