i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
