I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
