he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
