Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My bed smells like the plague
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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