How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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