I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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