he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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