I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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