I want you more than these girls want KFC
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize