My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
