Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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