I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My day in three words: secret purse cake
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
