Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
