1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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