I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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