I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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