Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just wanna soil my oats bro
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
