i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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