So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
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