Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I need a beard to bite.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
