Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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