Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
