I've blown a few things in my day
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize