So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
