Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
