new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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