I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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