so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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