I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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