we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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