if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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