When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
