She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
