I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize